Setting boundaries with a nursing toddler... for people who are terrible at setting boundaries.

Yes, I am "still" nursing Adelaide.  When she was born I began the practice of feeding "on cue."  This practice is not for everyone, but for us it created a quick bond in breastfeeding, helped give me confidence, and feel connected with my daughter as we were mutually communicating with each other from the start.  I believe it really got her off to a very healthy start- her weight gain was perfect.  But somewhere along the line... I think maybe close to her one year mark, "on cue" became "on demand."  Le Leche League uses the two phrases synonymously, but I find there to be a difference.  "On cue" describing more of the innate reactions to being hungry, and "on demand" describing wanting the milk and demanding it, regardless of hunger.

Being so used to our perfect breastfeeding relationship I don't think I really picked up on it.  In the mom groups I'm a part of, its actually not even looked down on so it didn't occur to me to be a problem.

But finally it started to feel like breastfeeding in general was a problem.  I just couldn't handle it any more, I tried to quit cold turkey twice.  I would go one or two days without it and she would be so sad, and I was so sad too.  There are several health benefits to continuing breastfeeding into her toddler days so I didn't REALLY want to quit.  But feeding several times a day was becoming too much, and feeding at any hour and any place was getting to be a real difficult situation.  Picture a toddler in the seat of the grocery cart just at breast level, lounging out of the cart, fussing "milk! milk!" as you walk down isle 8.

Boundaries.  That's what we were missing.  I stink at setting boundaries.  And telling her "wait till we get home" wasn't working either.  She didn't understand when we would be home.  Sometimes I'd feed her in the car, sometimes in a restroom.  We lacked a consistency.  Sometimes at home I had time to feed her, sometimes it just wasn't a good time... i.e. while cooking or going to the bathroom.

Here's the part where I tell you how I did it....

So I found a way to set boundaries in a way that kept me more consistent and in a way that she could understand.  I bought an alarm clock intended to help children understand when to stay in bed and when it was okay to get up in the morning.  It has a red light (red stay in bed) that stays on till the alarm (noiseless) goes off and turns green.  So I set the alarm for when I will be ready to nurse her again.  I also try to keep in mind when she typically wants to nurse which right now is about 4 or 5 hours after the last time.  When we are sitting on the couch and she wants to start nursing (her habit is when I'm sitting she crawls in my lap and start nursing if she is bored).  So as she starts going for my shirt I say in an excited way, "go look at the light."  She runnnnnns to her room and looks at the light and if its red she simply goes on with her day.  Sometimes she so cute as to say "awe mannnnnn" with a smile.  If it is green she runnnnnns back to me happy as can be and pulls me into her room to nurse.  Sometimes she is so excited that the light is green that she stops nursing just to smile at the light and say "light greeeeeeeen."  She loves it.  I think she isn't even that upset about the fact that it is red so often.  It seems to be something she looks forward to.  I love it when she discovers it green without me prompting her.

The first day we did this I set the alarm often so she could learn that every time it is green she gets to nurse.  I also kept telling her, "okay, we're going to nurse in your room from now on any time the light is green."  So she has somewhat got that idea down.  I remind her often, but when she remembers she doesn't get too upset.

And thats that.

Sometimes when we are out she still wants to nurse and I just ask, "what color is the light?"  She looks around and I say, "the light is at home, we will have to wait till we are home to see the light."  And then she more or less drops the subject.  She might bring it up again in 10 min, but its okay, we're still working on it.

One more thing.  I got some advice from someone who weaned her 2 and a half year old not long ago.  She said she kept it very light and not too serious and it went over pretty easily for her daughter.  I thought that was excellent advice so though I'm not 100% weaning right now, I am trying to keep this process pretty light (no pun intended) as well.  So I never say "the light is red" with a serious face.  If I don't get too upset about it she won't either.